Cold Weather

Well, it finally snowed. Great. Most people look out the window after a big snow storm and are excited about it. Not me. I hate cold weather. I’d be fine living on an island it the tropics somewhere and never having snow. I mean, what is so great about it anyway? You walk outside, freeze, and slip on the ice. Cool...not.

Also, I hate cold weather clothes. I don’t like wearing coats. They make me claustrophobic. I used to get in trouble when I was in elementary school for not wearing a coat during recess. I was rebellious back then. I’d always tell the duty that I lost it. I’m sure I looked like some homeless kid whose parents couldn’t get him warm clothes to wear, but really, I just hated wearing it. I’d get in trouble with my mom too. She’d ask me all the time wear my coat. I’d wear it just long enough for her to drive away and then take it off. What your mom doesn’t know won’t kill her.

The only relationship I have with snow is snowboarding. I like to snowboard, especially on a nice day when you don’t really have to wear your coat. I like to stick my earphones in and just ride down the mountain. It’s great. But if someone said I could snowboard every day, but I’d have to spend every day with winter, I’d have to say no thanks. It’s fun, but not that fun.

I was watching some show on TV the other day that talked about people having some seasonal disorder where they get grumpy and depressed in the winter. I think I have that. I’m not myself in the cold weather. I’m more myself with a tan drinking a pina colada. Actually, I can’t really get tan. I’m the whitest guy you know. But sun and a pina colada I can do. Everyday.

Someday I’m going to move to someplace like Hawaii. I’ll learn to surf, which will be like snowboarding so I wont’ miss that. I’ll go to the beach and just hang out in the sun. I’ll play basketball outside and swim in the ocean. I like being warm.

Some people love Spring and Fall. I hate spring and fall. Why, because they pretend to be warm but they aren’t. It looks sunny outside, but it’s still too cold. It needs to be 80 degrees at least to be worth anything. Don’t be sunny and 60 degrees. That’s not warm. That’s a lie. False advertising. Bring on summer. Spring just tricks you. The flowers bloom. It looks like summer is just around the corner, then bam. A foot of snow.

Fall is just the same. It’s nice to look outside for a minute to see the colors change on the trees, but then everything falls to the ground and it just looks like everything is dead. I hate dead. Just let it be nice all the time.

If I was king, I’d make it summer everyday. Look me up in 20 years. You’ll find me on the beach.